Report by Gerry McDonnell
In many approaches Iâ€™m like a dwarf – I locate it difficult to put my hand in my pocket.
I never waste cash on a newspaper and only the guarantee of naked pictures of Cheryl Tweedy would lead me to splash out on a journal.
I may possibly be a small indicate, but Iâ€™m nowhere close to as tight as Dimitar Berbatov. Whilst celebrating his transfer to Previous Trafford, the frugal frontman refused to get a duplicate of The Big Situation. My heart went out to a obviously devastated Robbie Savage.
Sir Alex might have to make some hard selections now that Berbatov, Tevez and Rooney are all vying for a beginning part. 3 into two basically does not go, unless of course itâ€™s a Ronaldo property party.
If I was Fergie, and I drink adequate to make a passing resemblance, Iâ€™d offer Wayne Rooney.
The huge lad could have played moderately nicely from Croatia in midweek, but that overall performance is just papering about the cracks. You can set lipstick on a pig – but you ought to by no means marry her in Italy.
Rooneyâ€™s fall from grace has been remarkable. When he initial burst on to the scene, he appeared like the following Alan Shearer – now it seems like heâ€™s just eaten him.
I can trace the beginning of the decline to Wayneâ€™s honeymoon, where it emerged that he liked a sneaky fag. Cheryl Tweedy was reportedly devastated.
I too used to partake in a crafty cigarette following generating adore, but I had to quit when they introduced a no cigarette smoking coverage in the morgue.
I now only smoke when Iâ€™m knocked back for sex, so Iâ€™m stubbing a lot more ash than Lee Chapman.
If United do choose to promote Rooney, their rich neighbours will be in the body to sign him. Metropolis have handed their 1st official check as a mega-rich club theyâ€™ve wasted hundreds of thousands on Shaun Wright Phillips.
The signing of Robinho for Â£32m was a significantly better piece of company, and itâ€™s rumoured that Fernando Torres may be following. Torres would jump at the probability to play alongside the skilful Brazilian – he presently seems to be at Robbie Keane and gently weeps.
Robbie is nevertheless reeling following his penthouse flat was targeted by burglars. Itâ€™s not the very first scenario of a robbery in Liverpool, Spurs not too long ago obtained absent with Â£20m.
While Manchester Town invest funds like itâ€™s heading out of fashion, Mike Ashley retains on to his money like itâ€™s a steak and kidney pie.
Newcastle supporters intend to protest against Ashley and his angry midget sidekick Dennis Smart. The Toon Army havenâ€™t been this riled given that Freddie Shepherd described the neighborhood girls as â€˜dogsâ€™. Cheryl Tweedy is certainly not a â€˜dogâ€™, although she does have a cute pair of puppies.
Even factoring in the shenanigans at St Jamesâ€™ Park, Iâ€™m convinced that Newcastle are overpriced at seven/ten at house to Hull. Iâ€™ll be staking one particular position, and I assume to be celebrating like Cheryl Tweedyâ€™s gynaecologist.
About the Author
Gerry McDonnell dabbles in football odds compilation, journalism and orphan rescue.